One of my New Year's resolutions was to get back into the dating scene, but there's only one problem: It has been mathematically proven that I'm terrible at it. And I finally understand why: It's because I'm a terrible person. But that doesn't mean I'm doomed to be awful alone, because at last, there's a dating website for bad people to find horrible love: It's called all of them.

Every single dating website out there is absolutely filled to the brim with my kind of people. People who are not sorry, ever, about anything; people who are tired of consequences and so choose to abstain from them; people who are halfway convinced that the rest of humanity is a holographic simulation projected for their amusement. If I can't find love slapping around somewhere in one of these virtual cesspools, well, then it's probably everyone's fault but mine, just like literally everything else.

Brooklyn Gentlemen dating site Washington, from Match. When I walked into the Internet gaming cafe that I'd tricked Brooklyn into coming to, my heart skipped a beat. It does that sometimes. The doctors are baffled as to why, exactly, and my explanation -- that I'd taught my own heart to beat to the tune of Bon Jovi's "Livin' on a Prayer" -- did nothing to assuage their worries.

Luckily, my lack of health insurance did that instead. When the blackness that forever lives at the edges of my vision receded, I saw an angel standing uncertainly between two chubby Koreans swearing at computer screens. God, she was sharp. She saw it coming early, and if her ass kept bouncing around nervously like that, she'd see something else coming early soon enough. That was it," Brooklyn answered, then stomped her way out of the double doors at Stupid dating websites, and my heart, forever.

That went exactly like every other date I've ever had with a normal. Are these "Internetizens" just as shockingly prude and standards-having as real people? No, no surely that can't be the case. I've seen the Internet. So it stupid dating websites just be this particular site; sure, it's the biggest, but maybe it's like the Playboy to hardcore pornography. And just stupid dating websites porn, I'm probably going to have to go to some weird, shameful, possibly illegal places before I get my rocks off.

Stupid dating websites Byrd, from Sugardaddyforme. She'd agreed to the location in part because, no matter how the date went, it would at least make for a nice outing for her many, many stupid, stupid children, and in part because I'd offered to "make it rain in that bitch. Right off the bat, I could see she looked nothing like her picture.

She was a bit on the chubby side, and looked like somebody had rode Daryl Hannah hard, put her stupid dating websites wet and stupid dating websites hit her with a stupid dating websites. The ass of her pants insisted that their contents were "Juicy," and I had no cause to doubt the veracity of that statement. I suspected she may have just pasted a stock photo model into a fake online dating profile. What kind of sociopath does that?

I stole a peek down at the screen. It was all rapidly cascading text, like hacking into the Matrix, but instead of code it stupid dating websites just the words "LOL" over and over again, repeating to infinity. At that, she finally tore her eyes from the pseudo-binary of endless LOLOL-ing, and flashed me a timid smile Check this shit out," I said proudly, thumbing through the thick wad of bills.

Her eyes stupid dating websites wide and a saucy little string of drool chased its way across her jowl like, literally, though -- it was tinged with some kind of sauce. But when she got a closer look, she too scoffed, and turned to leave me. You can spend those on ANYTHING! They got whistles and tiny combs and pewter skull rings and I think I saw some Gak in there!

But it was too late. She was gone, and with her went a piece of my heart, plus I think she took my sunglasses too. Something still wasn't right. I just wasn't finding the kind of amoral psychopathy that I'm accustomed to on the Internet. I wanted the kind of girl that wouldn't just be a lover, but an accomplice. The kind of girl that that would help you steal a wheelchair from best indian dating website Goodwill because you twisted an ankle and it's a long way to the bus but mostly because chair-wheelies are the funnest.

The kind of girl who would love you -- not in spite of your stupid dating websites resentment for everybody that's not you, but stupid dating websites of it. Kaitlyn Purdy, from The Atlasphere -- an objectivist dating site. That's totally true, and way funnier than anything I could come up with here. Kaitlyn brought a wolf for me to fight, and refused to speak to me until I'd bested it in battle.

I did so, easily. Because there are three things that I'm the tits stupid dating websites Barbecuing, Mega Man 2 and finding lupine pressure points. I thought we'd mack a little after that, but she just laugh-cried manically over the wolf corpse until her face turned purple. Also, she was driving an Aztek and that's literally my only deal breaker. So the normals wanted safety, the whores wanted real money and the objectivists wanted to have their Wolf Duels and their living wolves, too.

Stupid dating websites seems like the main problem with dating these days is that everybody wants something. So what about the man who has nothing to offer? What about the man who has nothing valuable to contribute, say, think or do? Where is his place on the Internet? Terry Moffle, from Dating Twitter -- a place for spambots to meet, and fall in love. I know, I know: I really should've nailed this down before agreeing to stupid dating websites date, but I guess I just figured that, since I didn't understand you, you had to be female.

But you have to look at me before we do it. You have to look at me in the eyes, Terry. I'm not a whore. But he couldn't seem to keep eye contact; he just kept screaming the names of websites at squirrels. BRAND YOURSELF," he screeched, tearing open his shirt and revealing a series of painful decals burned into his flesh. I recognized the Virgin Airlines and Skechers logos emblazoned beneath each nipple, but the rest stupid dating websites unfamiliar, and I didn't feel like they engaged me socially, so I didn't pay any attention to them.

When I left Terry, he was clawing keywords into the bark of a tree with his bloody fingertips.

5 Dating Sites for Terrible People to Find Terrible Love

All of those do nothing for me. Someone who is totally cool with me cheating on them while they are brushing their teeth before bed. Depends, are you going offer to help me make the "cream filling" for the cupcakes like most of messages I got on that site did? Luckily, my lack of health insurance did that instead. Im not married…and I also would like to eat your cupcake s. I have read and agree to the Terms of Service and Privacy Policy. Share On Google Share On Facebook Share On Twitter. Be a fan at Facebook.